Reality Check, in a big way...

So I am sitting at work waiting for my bosses to hand me my work for the day, and though this morning I am feeling fantastic, I have to admit that for the last few weeks I have been feeling down.

I took care of the paperwork for my passport weeks ago, and though I still haven't received it back in the mail I felt at the time like "wow, I am accomplishing something on my way long to-do list to get myself where the Lord wants me to be." However that is all I have crossed off my to-do list. I feel like time is crushing me and I am accomplishing nothing. I am worried about money, I am worried about a second job, I am worried about getting a Visa (no not the Credit Card), I am worried that I am all talk and no action.

When I first realized that this is what I needed to be doing I had this huge fire lit under my butt, but I feel like the flames are slowly going out. I am not quite sure what to do. I keep praying for the strength to accomplish this, for the strength to be patient and work on the Lord's time frame, but I am SO human.

I want what I want and I want it now!!! UGH! I know I sound selfish, I know I sound egotistical, I know I sound like a great big jerk.

Then I had a wonderful reality check this morning in an unexpected way. One of my closest friends Mel has a sister who has cancer. She is blogging about what she is going through. (http://strbrte.blogspot.com/2010/09/weeks-17-22.html?spref=fb) Her words made me realize that I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. I am not sick, I am not dying, I do not have a husband, I do not have kids. I am just moving. It isn't the end of the world. If I am truly trusting in the Lord then I should not be worried at all. I need to chill and realize that everything will come together in its own due time.

So though you may never read this Star, Thank you for your blog and I hope you get better soon.

Tires and the Spirit

So with this move coming up I have a million things running around in my head. Every time I think I have removed something, it either pops back up or something else takes its place. I have told both of my brothers about the move and they are pretty cool with it. As long as it comes from the Lord and not from the imaginings of my head. Yesterday I told my sister and she isn't too thrilled with it. She is more thrilled that I am walking 3 times a week with Eve.

I told my sister that she is the main reason that I would have ever considered telling the Lord no. And honestly she is. Not even my mom can compare to the pull my kid sister has on me. However my mind is made up. The decision is made and the ball is rolling. I am working on everything it will take to get my big butt to Santiago by this time next year.

One of those many things to get me to Santiago is a job. Unfortunately the Visa process is a little difficult to deal with. I have to have a job that offer me a few things that a normal job wouldn't offer, well at least not in the states. I am not going to go into the country as an illegal. If the Lord wants me down there he will always provide a way for me to get there. :) (1 Nephi 3:7)

Now the plan I have come up with is to get a TEFL certificate. Translation: Teaching English as a Foreign Language. I have prayed about this and it feels right. The company I have chosen to get my certificate through will then help me get a job. And with the job comes the Visa. .

Now the biggest problem is the $$$. To become certified as a TEFL teacher you have to take a class. Well because I don't live in New York, NY, I have chosen to take the class online and through DVDs. The class is $600 and as of last Friday I had the money. I was super excited and I am ready to just get started and going so that I can feel like I am not sitting on my laurels waiting for this all to happen at once. (Just stick with the story I promise there is a point)

So on Friday afternoon I got online and was going to make the transfer of money from one account to the other so I could purchase the class. But right as I was I was about to hit the transfer button, something said "No, don't do it." I thought to myself "what?!? Are you kidding? I have the money, why shouldn't I start right now. I can pay for this and the I can start studying ASAP." So I went to hit the transfer button again, and I got the same distinct "NO, don't do it."

Now if you really know me you will know that I am kind of a stubborn person. Actually a lot stubborn. I am single there is only me to take care of. So normally when I want or need something I just take care of it or get it immediately. However with all of the wonderful things that are going on in my life because of the Lord I decided to listen to this specific "NO, don't do it."

At the time I thought that it was wierd and dumb but whatever, but now looking back I realize that the Lord was looking out for me in a big way.

Later that day I decided to treat myself to a diner from Panera's. (Side note: I love Panera's!) I pulled into the lot and went inside. I had also decided to take it to go, cause honestly last week was really rough for me. Don't ask why cause I couldn't tell you. I come back out to my car and I see something funny on my tire. I had parked so that my wheels were turned. (I am not sure if that makes sense to you but it does to me) I go over to look at my wheels and I realize that my passenger side front wheel is so worn down that it may pop or shred at any moment. I say a prayer that my car will make it home now and back to the tire store in the morning without problems. I call my bank to make a transfer for the funds to pay for a tire and head home.

In that moment it doesn't dawn on me what just happened. I am truly humbled everyday to realized just how much the Lord is looking out for me. He wants me to be a TEFL Teacher BUT he also wants me to be safe on the roads. He wants to take care of the daily along with the long run. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it feels like a huge deal. HE TOOK CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME EVEN REALIZING IT!!!! He had his hand in my daily life and took charge when I couldn't see the big picture. I was an amazing experience and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Holy freaking crap... You have got to be kidding.

I have been kind of at a loss in my life for a long time now. Something has been missing and I have never been quite sure what it is. I have been searching and searching for something to fill in the space for whatever is missing and nothing seems to fit. I have considered writing as this blog shows (though I haven't given up on that completely yet), I have tried art, I have tried video games, I have tried exercise, I have tried everything I can possibly think of, but nothing seems to fit.

I keep praying that HF will point me in the right direction, or he will tell me what to do. Obviously that will never happen. He isn't going to come down and say "Angie, this is what you need to be doing with your life." However he will point the way.

For those of you who don't know my history I served my mission in Santiago, Chile North Mission. I loved it and I hated it. It was some of the most difficult times of my life, but I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do so I was growing and learning.

After having an interesting conversation with someone very important in my life, I realized where the Lord wants me to go in my my life and I am having a small cow over it. This is not something to be taken lightly or something to just jump into with my eyes closed. I have also prayed and fasted (which technically I am not supposed to do), and I now know what it is HF really wants me to do. He wants me to go back, and not as a missionary.

I made a list last night and thought the list is very small it is also very HUGE. I have tons to do and not enough time to do it in. I need to get out of debt, and I need to save up about 5-10k. I need to sell everything I own minus a few things. I need to do all of this in under a year. I also have to find out about work visas and jobs and apartments and health insurance and about a million other things. I have an email into a person I really don't want help from but honestly I don't have anyone else to ask for help from. Especially not down in Santiago.

And to top off the list I need to somehow explain all of this to my parents in such a way that they won't think that I am abandoning them like my older brother did when he left Newnan. I also need to explain it to them in such a way that they won't want to put me in an insane asylum... My family is pretty tight but the truth of the matter is I don't do a lot of things because they don't approve or because they think they have the right to rule my life. Well honestly I am tired of it. I am 31 years old and I would like to live my life without having to worry about what they think. I am tired of making them happy. I am ready to make me happy. My prediction is that they aren't going to take it well. *sigh* Which is why I don't plan on telling them until the last possible moment. I hope that that will help them understand how serious I am about this.

Here's hoping that I can reach my goals and that my family won't freak out on me.

PS: To those of you that read this, please don't mention this to anyone. I am trying to keep this on the DL. My boss won't even know until I have to quit.

Writing

I haven't been writing anything lately. For some reason I just can't seem to get past my writer's block. I have come up with a few ideas but nothing concrete has been written down. I feel like a slacker but what can I do if I don't feel inspired. I don't want to force it, I would like it to flow naturally. Unfortunately I don't think "natural" is going to come anytime soon.

I was talking to a writer friend of mine and he basically said that he forces himself to write no matter what. He even if what comes out is horrid at least he is trying to get the story in his head out. I can understand that, but I guess I am just a little too afraid of failure or sounding stupid to just write whatever crap comes out of my head. I have always been a little too much in my own head for my own good. So sounding stupid is one of my biggest fears. I know, I know, silly but true none the less.

Weekend from Hell

Oh where to start this wondrous tale....

Last weekend I went to my oldest niece's graduation from HS in Titusville FL. It was a stressful situation all the way around. Whether my family meant to do it or not, they seemed to pull me into the middle of a drama filled weekend.

It started 43 years ago when my mom was married to someone else and had my big brother. After a few years they divorced and my mom kept my brother. Her Ex decided he was going to be a loser and not pay child support. I will, however, point out that her Ex was really really young, and when we are young we all make HUGE mistakes. My mom was baptized by this point and had met my father, all while raising my brother on her own without any help. Mom and my dad decide to get married and that Dad wants to adopt my brother. Well the only way to get her Ex to sign off on the adoption papers was to tell him she would fore go any of the back child support if and only if he signs the paperwork. Her Ex didn't even think about it, he just signed.

Fast forward to Spring of 2009. I had gone down to FL to visit my brother and his family. Side note: I love to go see them. They live near the beach and I wish I could travel to see them more often. But back to the subject at hand... I am sitting in my niece's room packing up my bags and she says she has something serious she wants to ask me. She then proceeds to tell me that when she graduates in a year she wants her whole family there, and that includes my mom's Ex and his wife. She wants my advice on how to tell my mom that she is going to invite him. I put on a non-shocked face and say "talk to Grandad (Grandad is my dad if you didn't catch that) first. Before you even mention it to her. He will know better than me how to break that kind of news to her. But pray first." She said she would, and asked me not to mention any of this to anyone. I told her I wouldn't, finished packing and headed home.

Needless to say I was freaking out inside about the whole thing. Throughout my life I had never heard anything but bad things about this man. I had always heard that he was the scum of the earth for treating mom the way he did, and for giving up my brother the way he did. So my drive home was a little stressed out. I promised her I wouldn't say anything to anyone, and I didn't...

Well I didn't for about 4 months. When I couldn't handle the stress anymore I called my little sister and told her the story. Needless to say she was a stressed as I was. She and I prayed about it for a long time. When the whole family finally knew my other brother, my sister and I discussed it frequently. We never really included my oldest brother because we didn't want to hurt his feelings with what was going through our heads about the situation. The three of us did a fast for my mom the Sunday before we were supposed to leave.

On the drive down the mood was very subdued. I tried to be my perky happy self, but it came out forced. We talked and chatted about nonsensical things, but mostly I napped and listed to my iPod. (Bless the man who created a way for me to hide in my own little world.) I got in no less than 3 fights with my mom and two with my father. The last with my fight ended with a huge scene in front of a large group of people in the lobby of the hotel. With my dad's final words being "Well fine! You can find your own way home!" I was in tears, and it just plain sucked. My dad has a very short fuse but once he goes off, and he then takes some time to cool off and then think, he is a normal person again. I won't go into details of the fight because it was a stupid fight over absolutely nothing. I spent the weekend being their punching bag because I love them so damn much. I wouldn't have put up with it if I didn't love them. Granted it hurt and it still hurts, matter of fact I am crying writing this, but after all of the stress that they had gone through I guess it was the least I could do to help them. Side note: Once my dad cooled of he spent the next 7 hours apologizing. He really did try, but after being yelled at in front of a group of people like I was 10, it was very difficult to forgive him.

Now the weekend itself could probably be considered a success but honestly, I am tired of my family. I love them all to pieces but after all of the drama and stress they put me through, I just wanted to get away from them. Which is what I did... ;)

Writer's block...

Grrrr...

I have been working on my book for about 2 months now. I really don't have that much written, but seeing as how this is my first venture into the writing field, I didn't think that this would happen over night.

My biggest problem right now is writers block. I am trying to figure out who my main character is and what kind of steel she is made of, but every time I go to sit down and write I spend hours just staring at the screen not writing anything. I did that maybe three times. I felt like it was a complete waste of time. So instead of me going to the computer to try and write something anything I just find something else to do. Its very frustrating. I want to be productive if I am going to write, and I don't want to write crap, so for the last two weeks I have been avoiding it.

So last night as I was going to bed a small idea hit me and I started to write. I mean really write, like with pen and paper. I wrote three small pages and could have kept going if it weren't for the late hour. I don't know what the difference was but I hope that the writer's block stays the heck away.

My imagination

I have a wild and crazy imagination. Well at least that is what I have been told. I don't think its wild and crazy I just think it is normal because it is what I have been living with for the last 31 years.

I do have a tendency to daydream, and sometimes I find it very difficult to focus at work. But I don't necessarily think those things are super bad, just annoying.

I have decided that this year I am going to do something I have always wanted to do. I am going to write a book. It isn't because I want to make a million dollars, though that has crossed my mind, it is because I want to. I have been writing little tiny things down my whole life. I have a few journals with little snippets of things I have written, but nothing very substantial. I have decided to learn how to focus this energy and put it to good use.

I have spent the last six weeks or so doing lots and lots and lots of research. Wikipedia has become my new best friend. (lol) I have a three ring binder that is full of just the back story of my book. I hope I will be able to complete this and come out of this a better person.

My goals are as follows:
1)Write part of the story at least three times a week. (I still have to have some sort of life outside of this)
2)Blog about how I am doing, whether it is good bad ugly or whatever (I don't want to give the specific story away yet, so only a select few will know the actual story), and I want to be able to blog about my real life too, so there will be some of that on here too. :)
3)And to me this is the most important one: KEEP MY SANITY, as far as I am sane now.

Here's hoping!!!