Holy freaking crap... You have got to be kidding.

I have been kind of at a loss in my life for a long time now. Something has been missing and I have never been quite sure what it is. I have been searching and searching for something to fill in the space for whatever is missing and nothing seems to fit. I have considered writing as this blog shows (though I haven't given up on that completely yet), I have tried art, I have tried video games, I have tried exercise, I have tried everything I can possibly think of, but nothing seems to fit.

I keep praying that HF will point me in the right direction, or he will tell me what to do. Obviously that will never happen. He isn't going to come down and say "Angie, this is what you need to be doing with your life." However he will point the way.

For those of you who don't know my history I served my mission in Santiago, Chile North Mission. I loved it and I hated it. It was some of the most difficult times of my life, but I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do so I was growing and learning.

After having an interesting conversation with someone very important in my life, I realized where the Lord wants me to go in my my life and I am having a small cow over it. This is not something to be taken lightly or something to just jump into with my eyes closed. I have also prayed and fasted (which technically I am not supposed to do), and I now know what it is HF really wants me to do. He wants me to go back, and not as a missionary.

I made a list last night and thought the list is very small it is also very HUGE. I have tons to do and not enough time to do it in. I need to get out of debt, and I need to save up about 5-10k. I need to sell everything I own minus a few things. I need to do all of this in under a year. I also have to find out about work visas and jobs and apartments and health insurance and about a million other things. I have an email into a person I really don't want help from but honestly I don't have anyone else to ask for help from. Especially not down in Santiago.

And to top off the list I need to somehow explain all of this to my parents in such a way that they won't think that I am abandoning them like my older brother did when he left Newnan. I also need to explain it to them in such a way that they won't want to put me in an insane asylum... My family is pretty tight but the truth of the matter is I don't do a lot of things because they don't approve or because they think they have the right to rule my life. Well honestly I am tired of it. I am 31 years old and I would like to live my life without having to worry about what they think. I am tired of making them happy. I am ready to make me happy. My prediction is that they aren't going to take it well. *sigh* Which is why I don't plan on telling them until the last possible moment. I hope that that will help them understand how serious I am about this.

Here's hoping that I can reach my goals and that my family won't freak out on me.

PS: To those of you that read this, please don't mention this to anyone. I am trying to keep this on the DL. My boss won't even know until I have to quit.

Writing

I haven't been writing anything lately. For some reason I just can't seem to get past my writer's block. I have come up with a few ideas but nothing concrete has been written down. I feel like a slacker but what can I do if I don't feel inspired. I don't want to force it, I would like it to flow naturally. Unfortunately I don't think "natural" is going to come anytime soon.

I was talking to a writer friend of mine and he basically said that he forces himself to write no matter what. He even if what comes out is horrid at least he is trying to get the story in his head out. I can understand that, but I guess I am just a little too afraid of failure or sounding stupid to just write whatever crap comes out of my head. I have always been a little too much in my own head for my own good. So sounding stupid is one of my biggest fears. I know, I know, silly but true none the less.