My love life has never been what you would call successful, at all. I always fall for the wrong guy or the "unavailable" guy, or even the emotionally retarded guy. Its been this way my whole life. And a person would think that if that is the pattern I would do everything in my power to change that. Well that person would be wrong, very very wrong.
About six years ago a kind quiet gentle kid came into my life. I fell hard and I fell fast (which is another thing I can't stop doing). At the time he was quite young, and immature. My best friend at the time was a wonderful girl dating his older brother. They both knew how I felt (I really don't have much of a poker face) and encouraged me to do or say something about it. I refused knowing that he was interested in someone else.
For weeks they told me I should say something. I didn't. Then they dared me... Now I just want it put out there that I normally don't care what anyone "dares" me to do. I do what I want when I want. However at that point in time I fell to peer pressure. It was awful. I've never been so embarrassed in my life, and that is NOT an over dramatization. It still haunts me to this day.
Fast forward six years.... He just spent time in the Air Force. I've stayed in the same place doing the same things. My life didn't change much, but there were some small changes.
However one thing that didn't change is that I still adore the man. He grew up and made some wonderful changes in his life. He overcame some things that made him join the AF in the first place. I am super proud of him for those changes.
Now here is where the insanity comes in. I still want to date him. And the even crazier part is the fact that I won't say anything about it, to him. I threw myself at him once, I won't do it again. I was rejected and it hurt like hell, so much so that while he was in the AF I avoided speaking to him.
This past Friday night his Mother has requested that I come and watch a movie with her, I did. He and I hung out till about midnight watching Anime and playing video games. At midnight he walked me to my car and we started talking and we talk for two and a half hours. I didn't get home and into bed until about 3:15am.
Saturday I had to wake up extra early for a YW Presidency meeting. So I am completely sleep deprived at that point. I go about my business and even take a nap, but I am expected back at his place to hang out again Saturday evening. I go, but I am so tired that I can't keep my mind off of the fact that I am totally into this man but I can't do anything about it. He knew something was wrong and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I just told him I am working through some emotional garbage, and though I appreciate it I didn't really want to talk about it.
I am paralyzed by my fear of rejection. My friend Eve has encouraged me to say something, I am refusing to open my mouth because his friendship (I have a hard time making friends) means more to me than just about anything. I don't want to loose that, and if I open my mouth and say something I know I will be rejected. He will then pull away, and I will have lost my friend.
I've mentioned on FB that I lack the courage to say something to someone and everyone keeps quoting "We bought a Zoo" to me. "You only need 20 seconds of courage..." Well for me I would need to risk loosing this wonderful friend and I am not sure I am willing to do that. All of my other friends are married and have kids, or they live so far away that I never get to see them (Lily). He is my one single friend, and the risk to reward ratio isn't big enough for me to tempt fate again.
Everyone I have spoken too about this (and there are only a few that know details) thinks I should say something. I don't mean to be stubborn, but this scares the crap out of me. I don't date much, I very rarely put myself out there anymore. Back in my younger years I wasn't afraid to say how I felt about anyone person. As I get older its more difficult for me to share how I feel.
Now to make matters even worse he is ignoring my texts (though I am not over texting). I've only sent him two since Saturday night. I think my moodiness and sleep depravity scared him, and he is now pulling away.
