Definition of Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I am truly guilty of that.

My love life has never been what you would call successful, at all. I always fall for the wrong guy or the "unavailable" guy, or even the emotionally retarded guy. Its been this way my whole life. And a person would think that if that is the pattern I would do everything in my power to change that. Well that person would be wrong, very very wrong.

About six years ago a kind quiet gentle kid came into my life. I fell hard and I fell fast (which is another thing I can't stop doing).  At the time he was quite young, and immature. My best friend at the time was a wonderful girl dating his older brother. They both knew how I felt (I really don't have much of a poker face) and encouraged me to do or say something about it. I refused knowing that he was interested in someone else.

For weeks they told me I should say something. I didn't. Then they dared me... Now I just want it put out there that I normally don't care what anyone "dares" me to do. I do what I want when I want. However at that point in time I fell to peer pressure. It was awful. I've never been so embarrassed in my life, and that is NOT an over dramatization. It still haunts me to this day.

Fast forward six years.... He just spent time in the Air Force. I've stayed in the same place doing the same things. My life didn't change much, but there were some small changes.

However one thing that didn't change is that I still adore the man. He grew up and made some wonderful changes in his life. He overcame some things that made him join the AF in the first place. I am super proud of him for those changes.

Now here is where the insanity comes in. I still want to date him. And the even crazier part is the fact that I won't say anything about it, to him. I threw myself at him once, I won't do it again. I was rejected and it hurt like hell, so much so that while he was in the AF I avoided speaking to him.


This past Friday night his Mother has requested that I come and watch a movie with her, I did. He and I hung out till about midnight watching Anime and playing video games. At midnight he walked me to my car and we started talking and we talk for two and a half hours. I didn't get home and into bed until about 3:15am.

Saturday I had to wake up extra early for a YW Presidency meeting. So I am completely sleep deprived at that point. I go about my business and even take a nap, but I am expected back at his place to hang out again Saturday evening. I go, but I am so tired that I can't keep my mind off of the fact that I am totally into this man but I can't do anything about it. He knew something was wrong and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I just told him I am working through some emotional garbage, and though I appreciate it I didn't really want to talk about it.

I am paralyzed by my fear of rejection. My friend Eve has encouraged me to say something, I am refusing to open my mouth because his friendship (I have a hard time making friends) means more to me than just about anything. I don't want to loose that, and if I open my mouth and say something I know I will be rejected. He will then pull away, and I will have lost my friend.

I've mentioned on FB that I lack the courage to say something to someone and everyone keeps quoting "We bought a Zoo" to me. "You only need 20 seconds of courage..." Well for me I would need to risk loosing this wonderful friend and I am not sure I am willing to do that. All of my other friends are married and have kids, or they live so far away that I never get to see them (Lily). He is my one single friend, and the risk to reward ratio isn't big enough for me to tempt fate again.

Everyone I have spoken too about this (and there are only a few that know details) thinks I should say something. I don't mean to be stubborn, but this scares the crap out of me. I don't date much, I very rarely put myself out there anymore. Back in my younger years I wasn't afraid to say how I felt about anyone person. As I get older its more difficult for me to share how I feel.

Now to make matters even worse he is ignoring my texts (though I am not over texting). I've only sent him two since Saturday night. I think my moodiness and sleep depravity scared him, and he is now pulling away.

So not only am I insane I am also a coward.

Waves

Waves of loneliness roll my way.
Waves of loneliness roll over my thoughts.
Waves of loneliness roll over my soul.
Waves of loneliness roll over my heart.
Waves of loneliness roll me over with hurt and pain and loss.

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Face

The face in the mirror is not the one I remember.
The face in the mirror is not the one I wanted it to be.
The face in the mirror however is the only one I have.
The face in the mirror is the one I must make peace with.

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Again

I feel something coming my way.
Like and un-stopable wave.
The end results won't be kind.
My heart will break and I will end up alone.
Again.

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If

If you had told me you love me, I would have stayed
If you had asked me to stay, I would have defied my family
If you asked me to defy my family, I would have had the courage
If you had asked me to have the courage, I would have been strong for you
If you had asked me to be strong, I would have told you I loved you too
If you told me you loved me....

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Talent, or lack thereof....

So I've been doing this blog for over a year at this point. However I am not sure I have any talent for it. I've been talking to a friend, just trying to vent about how pathetic my writing skills are and he shares with me some of his stuff. Can we say wow? Holy crud Batman! Talk about talent.

I know this isn't a contest but seeing someone with SO MUCH TALENT, make me wonder if my writing is even worth it. Just a thought and just saying...

Oh Santiago, where are you? Oh that's right you are in Chile.

Well here it is September 27 and I am not in Santiago. Nor does it look like I will be there anytime soon.  About 4 months ago I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed by all I had to accomplish before leaving. I had to force myself to take a step back and realize there was no way I could get it all done before September. So my plans though still officially on the books, don't have a specific date. 

In my 20s I made some very catastrophic mistakes with my finances. And even though I am done taking care of those mistakes I am having to fix the fix at this point.

My biggest goal right now is to pay off one CC by the beginning of November. I had to set mini goals to get there but the plan was in place.  And then I had car problems (yes again). It seems that my lot in life is to have car problems. So the mini goals have been adjusted, and with those adjustments I hope to pay off the CC by the end of the year.

I won't lie about how this is making me feel. I feel craptastic, specifically about this. I feel for every step forward I am take about 15 in reverse. I feel like there is no progress and that this is gonna take F O R E V E R (read that in the voice from the kid in the Sandlot).

If I am supposed to be in Chile, fine... But if this is somehow the only way the Lord knew to help me get out of debt, well then I am probably gonna be a little pissed. I am grateful that he loves me and wants me to not be in debt but honestly I actually WANT to go to Santiago. Hell even if it just for a vacation.