Talent, or lack thereof....

So I've been doing this blog for over a year at this point. However I am not sure I have any talent for it. I've been talking to a friend, just trying to vent about how pathetic my writing skills are and he shares with me some of his stuff. Can we say wow? Holy crud Batman! Talk about talent.

I know this isn't a contest but seeing someone with SO MUCH TALENT, make me wonder if my writing is even worth it. Just a thought and just saying...

Oh Santiago, where are you? Oh that's right you are in Chile.

Well here it is September 27 and I am not in Santiago. Nor does it look like I will be there anytime soon.  About 4 months ago I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed by all I had to accomplish before leaving. I had to force myself to take a step back and realize there was no way I could get it all done before September. So my plans though still officially on the books, don't have a specific date. 

In my 20s I made some very catastrophic mistakes with my finances. And even though I am done taking care of those mistakes I am having to fix the fix at this point.

My biggest goal right now is to pay off one CC by the beginning of November. I had to set mini goals to get there but the plan was in place.  And then I had car problems (yes again). It seems that my lot in life is to have car problems. So the mini goals have been adjusted, and with those adjustments I hope to pay off the CC by the end of the year.

I won't lie about how this is making me feel. I feel craptastic, specifically about this. I feel for every step forward I am take about 15 in reverse. I feel like there is no progress and that this is gonna take F O R E V E R (read that in the voice from the kid in the Sandlot).

If I am supposed to be in Chile, fine... But if this is somehow the only way the Lord knew to help me get out of debt, well then I am probably gonna be a little pissed. I am grateful that he loves me and wants me to not be in debt but honestly I actually WANT to go to Santiago. Hell even if it just for a vacation.

Best epiphany EVER!

I am a people pleaser. I go out of my way to make sure everyone else has what they need. My mother says I do it even to the point of my own detriment. I would agree to a point. This however is not my epiphany. I'm getting to that. Somewhere in my life I learned that if you are going to share or if you are going to help someone you either give them the best, or give it your best. That is what I do. It is part of what makes me "me." If you need me to get over my shyness, tell me you need help, and shy Angie walks right out the door. It is like making sure everyone else is doing ok makes me feel ok.

Now to the epiphany. I don't need anyone's approval but God's. I know that sounds weird. And I am sure you are wondering what one has to with the other. So let me try and share the thoughts that are running through my brain.

Because I take care of people, ie people pleaser, I somehow feel I need their approval. Don't ask me why I wired that way, it is what it is. But I am starting, for the first time in my life I might add, not to need anyone's approval. I live the way I feel I should. I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't sleep around. I don't judge others or their lifestyles.

For the first time ever, I don't care what my Mom thinks. No let me rephrase that. I care what she thinks I just don't let her ideals of what and who I should be get in the way of who I really am. Same goes for my Dad. And as for my wonderful Sister, her approval used to be the one I needed the most.

However not anymore. I just don't have the time nor the desire to worry about what anyone else has to say or think about me. It's like I finally got the confidence that I wish I had in high school. It only took me an extra 20 years to find it.

So let me say this on a closing note. If you feel like the kid who takes care everyone, please just don't forget to take care of yourself. Remember what Pink said: "you are perfect just the way you are."

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