Best epiphany EVER!

I am a people pleaser. I go out of my way to make sure everyone else has what they need. My mother says I do it even to the point of my own detriment. I would agree to a point. This however is not my epiphany. I'm getting to that. Somewhere in my life I learned that if you are going to share or if you are going to help someone you either give them the best, or give it your best. That is what I do. It is part of what makes me "me." If you need me to get over my shyness, tell me you need help, and shy Angie walks right out the door. It is like making sure everyone else is doing ok makes me feel ok.

Now to the epiphany. I don't need anyone's approval but God's. I know that sounds weird. And I am sure you are wondering what one has to with the other. So let me try and share the thoughts that are running through my brain.

Because I take care of people, ie people pleaser, I somehow feel I need their approval. Don't ask me why I wired that way, it is what it is. But I am starting, for the first time in my life I might add, not to need anyone's approval. I live the way I feel I should. I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't sleep around. I don't judge others or their lifestyles.

For the first time ever, I don't care what my Mom thinks. No let me rephrase that. I care what she thinks I just don't let her ideals of what and who I should be get in the way of who I really am. Same goes for my Dad. And as for my wonderful Sister, her approval used to be the one I needed the most.

However not anymore. I just don't have the time nor the desire to worry about what anyone else has to say or think about me. It's like I finally got the confidence that I wish I had in high school. It only took me an extra 20 years to find it.

So let me say this on a closing note. If you feel like the kid who takes care everyone, please just don't forget to take care of yourself. Remember what Pink said: "you are perfect just the way you are."

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What is love?

I spent some time this week watching old classic movies.  They're all different sorts.  Some were spy movies, some were romantic comedies, some were comedies, and some were dramas. Most of these movies had an underlying theme about love.  But we're not just talking love that our parents have for each other love that we have for children love that we have for friends I'm talkin' romantic love.  Now I love a good romance as much as the next guy or gal in my case, but the love and these movies kind of drove me nuts.  Each of these characters seem to fall madly in love with their counterpart within a matter of hours or days. I really don't know a whole lot about love,  And in all honesty and not sure if I ever will, but I've been of the opinion that real love, no true love, doesn't just happen in an instant. This may be the cynic talking right now, but those movies as beautiful as they are, seemed to portray love is so easy. 

Like I said, I've never been in love, but I do love people.  I love my family, I love my friends, I love my best friends, and in some ways I even love the people I work with.  However, even as much as I care for and love these people, it's complicated, and difficult, and sometimes downright impossible.  So if this kind of love is complicated and difficult and sometimes downright impossible, I can only imagine how difficult and complicated and impossible true love and real love and romantic love is really gonna be.

I truly hope that love isn't as impossible as it seems from the outside looking in.  However I also hope it isn't as easy as those classic movies made it seem.  Because if its easy you won't work at it. Because if its easy will you think it's worth it?  Because if it's easy would you even care?  Because if it's easy would you want it? 

The small things...

Something happen on Wednesday, that made me realize how much Heavenly Father pays attention even to the small things.  I had two appointments on Wednesday that I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to make.  Unfortunately forgot to add them both to my calendar and as soon as one was ending I had to be at the other.  I had an appointment to get my hair cut and colored, and I had an appointment to see the bishop.  It normally takes my beautician about 2 hours to cut a color my hair. My appointment was for 5 PM, and my appointment to see the Bishop was for 7:00 PM.  I had chosen not to take the 4:00 appointment with my beautician because I thought 5:00 would be better because I still had the work that day.  Fortunately for me my boss was on vacation this week and one of the other guys that I work with tell me to go ahead and take off even earlier than I needed to take off to make my appointment on time.  So I showed up about an hour before I was supposed to be there.  I walked in hoping she could take me early, and she just laughed.  Apparently the appointment before me had showed up early also and with the two of us having showed up early her last appointment of that day could come early also, and she would be able to leave to take care of her son who had just broken up with his girlfriend.

Now I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but it just seems interesting to me that Heavenly Father who takes care of the big things, also takes care of the small things.  

All of that previous day and I was wondering how I was gonna get from one appointment to the next.  I knew I had to meet with the bishop, but I wasn't sure how I was gonna make it there on time.  Heavenly Father loves me so much that he just took care of one small and simple thing so I could make it where I needed to be. And by helping with that one small thing, me getting to leave early from work, he was able to take care of me making it to my appointment on time, and Linda, my hair stylist, was able to take care of her son.  I truly love how much Heavenly Father takes care of us even when we don't realize that he is taking care of us. 

It was just a small thing.  But it made me realize just how much Heavenly Father cares for each and every one of us.

Where to start????

I know I haven't posted in a good long while. So much has happened that I am not quite sure where to start.


Firstly: I haven't written anything in Months.. I am stuck and for the life of me I can't figure out why.
I had a brilliant idea the other day, to further my story, while I was driving, and when I got home the idea was gone. Can I just say: I HATE THAT!!!! It never fails that my imagination will wander at the most inopportune times and I get these fantastic ideas and then I NEVER can remember when I have time to write them down. If I had some sort of portable computer, it might help but the truth is I just don't want to spend the money. Especially when I am trying to save my dinero for something else.

I know that for the story I need to know about high end security systems and I am not quite sure where to go to get the information. I am sure I could call a few security systems, but how in the world would I explain what I need without sounding like a complete idiot??? So I keep putting it off...

Secondly: Half of my apartment was refurbished, spent a month living at home with the folks. That wasn't bad at all.

Back in March of last year my landlord decided he was going to raise my rent to pay for all of these wonderful repairs that needed to be done on my apartment. My apartment has been in pretty bad shape for years, but I had avoided telling my landlord because Vicki his first wife was so sick. She had been in and out of the hospital for a few years, so I had been living with it for a while.

Well March came and went, then April and then May, and still no repairs had been done. He hadn't said anything to me about anything and it was starting to drive me nuts. He basically told me that I was going to have to move out all the way out and then move all the way back in. I knew that I couldn't do that at the drop of a hat but I knew that it was going to end up that way. Summer passed and I still hadn't heard from him about repairs. Then in passing I had a conversation with his current wife about how bad my apartment was getting. Then she had a conversation with the "landlord" and he decided it was time for the repairs.

This was the first or second week in October. He called me on a Saturday and said he wanted me out by Monday. I laughed until I realized he was serious. I told him there was no way I could be out in 1 and a half days with one of the days being Sunday. I told him he was going to have to wait a week. He really didn't like it. I had a friend come over and help me clean, a couple of other friends help me move my furniture, and I packed, and moved everything into the living room.

Needless to say the one week project, or so I was told, turned into a month long project. I had moved back in with my parents during that time frame, and living with them wasn't too bad. I stayed out of their way they stayed out of mine.

I kept popping in and out of my apartment to find out how the repairs were going and I have to say these guys definitely were not professionals. The trashed my stuff, took my stuff, namely a screwdriver that they found in my closed tool box and some of my pain killers, and left me a huge mess for me to clean up, dust everywhere, mud everywhere, and bottles everywhere, they unplugged my TV and DVR, so I missed some of my shows, and finally they broke things. For a month after they were done I was basically living in only my newly repaired bedroom.

I am so irked about the whole blasted situation that this has been the first time I have been able to write about it. They had no respect for my life and my things and the worst part is that my "landlord" didn't give a damn either. His attitude was: you left it there, its your own fault.

Funny part about this "trashing" of my apartment is that before I moved out I had the "landlord" come through and tell me if I needed to move things. He said everything should be fine where it is. Obviously not. Its been months and I am still pissed!

Thirdly: I feel like I am stuck when it come to my to-do list to get myself to Santiago.

I know I am supposed to move to Santiago, Chile. I am trusting the Lord to get me there. However something’s are just not coming together like I thought they would.

I have paid off my car, I have paid off another loan, but for the life of me I just can't seem to pay off my blasted credit cards, no matter how much money I throw at them the balance feels like it is not going down at all. (I know that it is going down, it just isn't going down fast enough!)

I have my passport, and I have some money in the bank. It isn't enough. It is never enough. Every time I get a good chunk of cash in the bank something happens that make me have to spend some of it. Whether it is car repairs or clothes that I desperately need or well whatever small emergency comes up, my account gets drained a little.

If I am supposed to be in Santiago by September I am going to need a huge influx of money fairly soon. I just don't know what to do. I have the faith that HF will help me, but I wonder when I am going to help myself...

I know with all this whining you are probably thinking: Oh just shut up you are more blessed than you think. I know I am thinking that, but I just forget sometimes... So on that note I would like to share a few GOOD THINGS that have happened during this time frame.

Writing: I know I forget the good ideas that I have, but at least my imagination is still working and it gives me hope that maybe I will remember them when the time is right.

Apartment: Because I didn't live in the apartment for one whole month I was told I didn't have to pay that month's rent. AND with that money I was able to pay off my car loan last year, which was my New Year's resolution. I was so happy to reach that goal that I cried tears of joy.

Money: Along with the paying off of the car, I have been able to put more money in the bank at one time than I ever have in my entire life time. It really isn't all that much but to me it seems like a huge amount, and I am very proud of it.

Yes I did spend a good chunk of my money on new clothes but honestly my wardrobe was seriously lacking. I had been wearing the same things for years and years. With these clothes I was able to move away from the drabness and add a little color and femininity. And with those things I have been able to change my attitude towards myself even more than before. No more hiding in the background for me.

Life in General: I didn't mention it before but my migraines had been getting worse due to a change in the dosage of my medicine. However with my doctor's help we changed the meds completely and not only am I getting fewer migraines but the ones I have gotten have been less severe. I totally count that as a blessing.
Also with my doctor's insistence I have changed my diet. Instead of eating out every meal, I am now cooking for myself. I am not loosing weight, but that wasn't the point, the point was to start taking care of myself. Occasionally I will still eat out but my choices are different than they used to be. So in my opinion: major blessing.

Reality Check, in a big way...

So I am sitting at work waiting for my bosses to hand me my work for the day, and though this morning I am feeling fantastic, I have to admit that for the last few weeks I have been feeling down.

I took care of the paperwork for my passport weeks ago, and though I still haven't received it back in the mail I felt at the time like "wow, I am accomplishing something on my way long to-do list to get myself where the Lord wants me to be." However that is all I have crossed off my to-do list. I feel like time is crushing me and I am accomplishing nothing. I am worried about money, I am worried about a second job, I am worried about getting a Visa (no not the Credit Card), I am worried that I am all talk and no action.

When I first realized that this is what I needed to be doing I had this huge fire lit under my butt, but I feel like the flames are slowly going out. I am not quite sure what to do. I keep praying for the strength to accomplish this, for the strength to be patient and work on the Lord's time frame, but I am SO human.

I want what I want and I want it now!!! UGH! I know I sound selfish, I know I sound egotistical, I know I sound like a great big jerk.

Then I had a wonderful reality check this morning in an unexpected way. One of my closest friends Mel has a sister who has cancer. She is blogging about what she is going through. (http://strbrte.blogspot.com/2010/09/weeks-17-22.html?spref=fb) Her words made me realize that I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. I am not sick, I am not dying, I do not have a husband, I do not have kids. I am just moving. It isn't the end of the world. If I am truly trusting in the Lord then I should not be worried at all. I need to chill and realize that everything will come together in its own due time.

So though you may never read this Star, Thank you for your blog and I hope you get better soon.

Tires and the Spirit

So with this move coming up I have a million things running around in my head. Every time I think I have removed something, it either pops back up or something else takes its place. I have told both of my brothers about the move and they are pretty cool with it. As long as it comes from the Lord and not from the imaginings of my head. Yesterday I told my sister and she isn't too thrilled with it. She is more thrilled that I am walking 3 times a week with Eve.

I told my sister that she is the main reason that I would have ever considered telling the Lord no. And honestly she is. Not even my mom can compare to the pull my kid sister has on me. However my mind is made up. The decision is made and the ball is rolling. I am working on everything it will take to get my big butt to Santiago by this time next year.

One of those many things to get me to Santiago is a job. Unfortunately the Visa process is a little difficult to deal with. I have to have a job that offer me a few things that a normal job wouldn't offer, well at least not in the states. I am not going to go into the country as an illegal. If the Lord wants me down there he will always provide a way for me to get there. :) (1 Nephi 3:7)

Now the plan I have come up with is to get a TEFL certificate. Translation: Teaching English as a Foreign Language. I have prayed about this and it feels right. The company I have chosen to get my certificate through will then help me get a job. And with the job comes the Visa. .

Now the biggest problem is the $$$. To become certified as a TEFL teacher you have to take a class. Well because I don't live in New York, NY, I have chosen to take the class online and through DVDs. The class is $600 and as of last Friday I had the money. I was super excited and I am ready to just get started and going so that I can feel like I am not sitting on my laurels waiting for this all to happen at once. (Just stick with the story I promise there is a point)

So on Friday afternoon I got online and was going to make the transfer of money from one account to the other so I could purchase the class. But right as I was I was about to hit the transfer button, something said "No, don't do it." I thought to myself "what?!? Are you kidding? I have the money, why shouldn't I start right now. I can pay for this and the I can start studying ASAP." So I went to hit the transfer button again, and I got the same distinct "NO, don't do it."

Now if you really know me you will know that I am kind of a stubborn person. Actually a lot stubborn. I am single there is only me to take care of. So normally when I want or need something I just take care of it or get it immediately. However with all of the wonderful things that are going on in my life because of the Lord I decided to listen to this specific "NO, don't do it."

At the time I thought that it was wierd and dumb but whatever, but now looking back I realize that the Lord was looking out for me in a big way.

Later that day I decided to treat myself to a diner from Panera's. (Side note: I love Panera's!) I pulled into the lot and went inside. I had also decided to take it to go, cause honestly last week was really rough for me. Don't ask why cause I couldn't tell you. I come back out to my car and I see something funny on my tire. I had parked so that my wheels were turned. (I am not sure if that makes sense to you but it does to me) I go over to look at my wheels and I realize that my passenger side front wheel is so worn down that it may pop or shred at any moment. I say a prayer that my car will make it home now and back to the tire store in the morning without problems. I call my bank to make a transfer for the funds to pay for a tire and head home.

In that moment it doesn't dawn on me what just happened. I am truly humbled everyday to realized just how much the Lord is looking out for me. He wants me to be a TEFL Teacher BUT he also wants me to be safe on the roads. He wants to take care of the daily along with the long run. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it feels like a huge deal. HE TOOK CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME EVEN REALIZING IT!!!! He had his hand in my daily life and took charge when I couldn't see the big picture. I was an amazing experience and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Holy freaking crap... You have got to be kidding.

I have been kind of at a loss in my life for a long time now. Something has been missing and I have never been quite sure what it is. I have been searching and searching for something to fill in the space for whatever is missing and nothing seems to fit. I have considered writing as this blog shows (though I haven't given up on that completely yet), I have tried art, I have tried video games, I have tried exercise, I have tried everything I can possibly think of, but nothing seems to fit.

I keep praying that HF will point me in the right direction, or he will tell me what to do. Obviously that will never happen. He isn't going to come down and say "Angie, this is what you need to be doing with your life." However he will point the way.

For those of you who don't know my history I served my mission in Santiago, Chile North Mission. I loved it and I hated it. It was some of the most difficult times of my life, but I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do so I was growing and learning.

After having an interesting conversation with someone very important in my life, I realized where the Lord wants me to go in my my life and I am having a small cow over it. This is not something to be taken lightly or something to just jump into with my eyes closed. I have also prayed and fasted (which technically I am not supposed to do), and I now know what it is HF really wants me to do. He wants me to go back, and not as a missionary.

I made a list last night and thought the list is very small it is also very HUGE. I have tons to do and not enough time to do it in. I need to get out of debt, and I need to save up about 5-10k. I need to sell everything I own minus a few things. I need to do all of this in under a year. I also have to find out about work visas and jobs and apartments and health insurance and about a million other things. I have an email into a person I really don't want help from but honestly I don't have anyone else to ask for help from. Especially not down in Santiago.

And to top off the list I need to somehow explain all of this to my parents in such a way that they won't think that I am abandoning them like my older brother did when he left Newnan. I also need to explain it to them in such a way that they won't want to put me in an insane asylum... My family is pretty tight but the truth of the matter is I don't do a lot of things because they don't approve or because they think they have the right to rule my life. Well honestly I am tired of it. I am 31 years old and I would like to live my life without having to worry about what they think. I am tired of making them happy. I am ready to make me happy. My prediction is that they aren't going to take it well. *sigh* Which is why I don't plan on telling them until the last possible moment. I hope that that will help them understand how serious I am about this.

Here's hoping that I can reach my goals and that my family won't freak out on me.

PS: To those of you that read this, please don't mention this to anyone. I am trying to keep this on the DL. My boss won't even know until I have to quit.