Waves

Waves of loneliness roll my way.
Waves of loneliness roll over my thoughts.
Waves of loneliness roll over my soul.
Waves of loneliness roll over my heart.
Waves of loneliness roll me over with hurt and pain and loss.

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Face

The face in the mirror is not the one I remember.
The face in the mirror is not the one I wanted it to be.
The face in the mirror however is the only one I have.
The face in the mirror is the one I must make peace with.

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Again

I feel something coming my way.
Like and un-stopable wave.
The end results won't be kind.
My heart will break and I will end up alone.
Again.

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If

If you had told me you love me, I would have stayed
If you had asked me to stay, I would have defied my family
If you asked me to defy my family, I would have had the courage
If you had asked me to have the courage, I would have been strong for you
If you had asked me to be strong, I would have told you I loved you too
If you told me you loved me....

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Talent, or lack thereof....

So I've been doing this blog for over a year at this point. However I am not sure I have any talent for it. I've been talking to a friend, just trying to vent about how pathetic my writing skills are and he shares with me some of his stuff. Can we say wow? Holy crud Batman! Talk about talent.

I know this isn't a contest but seeing someone with SO MUCH TALENT, make me wonder if my writing is even worth it. Just a thought and just saying...

Oh Santiago, where are you? Oh that's right you are in Chile.

Well here it is September 27 and I am not in Santiago. Nor does it look like I will be there anytime soon.  About 4 months ago I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed by all I had to accomplish before leaving. I had to force myself to take a step back and realize there was no way I could get it all done before September. So my plans though still officially on the books, don't have a specific date. 

In my 20s I made some very catastrophic mistakes with my finances. And even though I am done taking care of those mistakes I am having to fix the fix at this point.

My biggest goal right now is to pay off one CC by the beginning of November. I had to set mini goals to get there but the plan was in place.  And then I had car problems (yes again). It seems that my lot in life is to have car problems. So the mini goals have been adjusted, and with those adjustments I hope to pay off the CC by the end of the year.

I won't lie about how this is making me feel. I feel craptastic, specifically about this. I feel for every step forward I am take about 15 in reverse. I feel like there is no progress and that this is gonna take F O R E V E R (read that in the voice from the kid in the Sandlot).

If I am supposed to be in Chile, fine... But if this is somehow the only way the Lord knew to help me get out of debt, well then I am probably gonna be a little pissed. I am grateful that he loves me and wants me to not be in debt but honestly I actually WANT to go to Santiago. Hell even if it just for a vacation.

Best epiphany EVER!

I am a people pleaser. I go out of my way to make sure everyone else has what they need. My mother says I do it even to the point of my own detriment. I would agree to a point. This however is not my epiphany. I'm getting to that. Somewhere in my life I learned that if you are going to share or if you are going to help someone you either give them the best, or give it your best. That is what I do. It is part of what makes me "me." If you need me to get over my shyness, tell me you need help, and shy Angie walks right out the door. It is like making sure everyone else is doing ok makes me feel ok.

Now to the epiphany. I don't need anyone's approval but God's. I know that sounds weird. And I am sure you are wondering what one has to with the other. So let me try and share the thoughts that are running through my brain.

Because I take care of people, ie people pleaser, I somehow feel I need their approval. Don't ask me why I wired that way, it is what it is. But I am starting, for the first time in my life I might add, not to need anyone's approval. I live the way I feel I should. I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't sleep around. I don't judge others or their lifestyles.

For the first time ever, I don't care what my Mom thinks. No let me rephrase that. I care what she thinks I just don't let her ideals of what and who I should be get in the way of who I really am. Same goes for my Dad. And as for my wonderful Sister, her approval used to be the one I needed the most.

However not anymore. I just don't have the time nor the desire to worry about what anyone else has to say or think about me. It's like I finally got the confidence that I wish I had in high school. It only took me an extra 20 years to find it.

So let me say this on a closing note. If you feel like the kid who takes care everyone, please just don't forget to take care of yourself. Remember what Pink said: "you are perfect just the way you are."

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What is love?

I spent some time this week watching old classic movies.  They're all different sorts.  Some were spy movies, some were romantic comedies, some were comedies, and some were dramas. Most of these movies had an underlying theme about love.  But we're not just talking love that our parents have for each other love that we have for children love that we have for friends I'm talkin' romantic love.  Now I love a good romance as much as the next guy or gal in my case, but the love and these movies kind of drove me nuts.  Each of these characters seem to fall madly in love with their counterpart within a matter of hours or days. I really don't know a whole lot about love,  And in all honesty and not sure if I ever will, but I've been of the opinion that real love, no true love, doesn't just happen in an instant. This may be the cynic talking right now, but those movies as beautiful as they are, seemed to portray love is so easy. 

Like I said, I've never been in love, but I do love people.  I love my family, I love my friends, I love my best friends, and in some ways I even love the people I work with.  However, even as much as I care for and love these people, it's complicated, and difficult, and sometimes downright impossible.  So if this kind of love is complicated and difficult and sometimes downright impossible, I can only imagine how difficult and complicated and impossible true love and real love and romantic love is really gonna be.

I truly hope that love isn't as impossible as it seems from the outside looking in.  However I also hope it isn't as easy as those classic movies made it seem.  Because if its easy you won't work at it. Because if its easy will you think it's worth it?  Because if it's easy would you even care?  Because if it's easy would you want it? 

The small things...

Something happen on Wednesday, that made me realize how much Heavenly Father pays attention even to the small things.  I had two appointments on Wednesday that I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to make.  Unfortunately forgot to add them both to my calendar and as soon as one was ending I had to be at the other.  I had an appointment to get my hair cut and colored, and I had an appointment to see the bishop.  It normally takes my beautician about 2 hours to cut a color my hair. My appointment was for 5 PM, and my appointment to see the Bishop was for 7:00 PM.  I had chosen not to take the 4:00 appointment with my beautician because I thought 5:00 would be better because I still had the work that day.  Fortunately for me my boss was on vacation this week and one of the other guys that I work with tell me to go ahead and take off even earlier than I needed to take off to make my appointment on time.  So I showed up about an hour before I was supposed to be there.  I walked in hoping she could take me early, and she just laughed.  Apparently the appointment before me had showed up early also and with the two of us having showed up early her last appointment of that day could come early also, and she would be able to leave to take care of her son who had just broken up with his girlfriend.

Now I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but it just seems interesting to me that Heavenly Father who takes care of the big things, also takes care of the small things.  

All of that previous day and I was wondering how I was gonna get from one appointment to the next.  I knew I had to meet with the bishop, but I wasn't sure how I was gonna make it there on time.  Heavenly Father loves me so much that he just took care of one small and simple thing so I could make it where I needed to be. And by helping with that one small thing, me getting to leave early from work, he was able to take care of me making it to my appointment on time, and Linda, my hair stylist, was able to take care of her son.  I truly love how much Heavenly Father takes care of us even when we don't realize that he is taking care of us. 

It was just a small thing.  But it made me realize just how much Heavenly Father cares for each and every one of us.

Where to start????

I know I haven't posted in a good long while. So much has happened that I am not quite sure where to start.


Firstly: I haven't written anything in Months.. I am stuck and for the life of me I can't figure out why.
I had a brilliant idea the other day, to further my story, while I was driving, and when I got home the idea was gone. Can I just say: I HATE THAT!!!! It never fails that my imagination will wander at the most inopportune times and I get these fantastic ideas and then I NEVER can remember when I have time to write them down. If I had some sort of portable computer, it might help but the truth is I just don't want to spend the money. Especially when I am trying to save my dinero for something else.

I know that for the story I need to know about high end security systems and I am not quite sure where to go to get the information. I am sure I could call a few security systems, but how in the world would I explain what I need without sounding like a complete idiot??? So I keep putting it off...

Secondly: Half of my apartment was refurbished, spent a month living at home with the folks. That wasn't bad at all.

Back in March of last year my landlord decided he was going to raise my rent to pay for all of these wonderful repairs that needed to be done on my apartment. My apartment has been in pretty bad shape for years, but I had avoided telling my landlord because Vicki his first wife was so sick. She had been in and out of the hospital for a few years, so I had been living with it for a while.

Well March came and went, then April and then May, and still no repairs had been done. He hadn't said anything to me about anything and it was starting to drive me nuts. He basically told me that I was going to have to move out all the way out and then move all the way back in. I knew that I couldn't do that at the drop of a hat but I knew that it was going to end up that way. Summer passed and I still hadn't heard from him about repairs. Then in passing I had a conversation with his current wife about how bad my apartment was getting. Then she had a conversation with the "landlord" and he decided it was time for the repairs.

This was the first or second week in October. He called me on a Saturday and said he wanted me out by Monday. I laughed until I realized he was serious. I told him there was no way I could be out in 1 and a half days with one of the days being Sunday. I told him he was going to have to wait a week. He really didn't like it. I had a friend come over and help me clean, a couple of other friends help me move my furniture, and I packed, and moved everything into the living room.

Needless to say the one week project, or so I was told, turned into a month long project. I had moved back in with my parents during that time frame, and living with them wasn't too bad. I stayed out of their way they stayed out of mine.

I kept popping in and out of my apartment to find out how the repairs were going and I have to say these guys definitely were not professionals. The trashed my stuff, took my stuff, namely a screwdriver that they found in my closed tool box and some of my pain killers, and left me a huge mess for me to clean up, dust everywhere, mud everywhere, and bottles everywhere, they unplugged my TV and DVR, so I missed some of my shows, and finally they broke things. For a month after they were done I was basically living in only my newly repaired bedroom.

I am so irked about the whole blasted situation that this has been the first time I have been able to write about it. They had no respect for my life and my things and the worst part is that my "landlord" didn't give a damn either. His attitude was: you left it there, its your own fault.

Funny part about this "trashing" of my apartment is that before I moved out I had the "landlord" come through and tell me if I needed to move things. He said everything should be fine where it is. Obviously not. Its been months and I am still pissed!

Thirdly: I feel like I am stuck when it come to my to-do list to get myself to Santiago.

I know I am supposed to move to Santiago, Chile. I am trusting the Lord to get me there. However something’s are just not coming together like I thought they would.

I have paid off my car, I have paid off another loan, but for the life of me I just can't seem to pay off my blasted credit cards, no matter how much money I throw at them the balance feels like it is not going down at all. (I know that it is going down, it just isn't going down fast enough!)

I have my passport, and I have some money in the bank. It isn't enough. It is never enough. Every time I get a good chunk of cash in the bank something happens that make me have to spend some of it. Whether it is car repairs or clothes that I desperately need or well whatever small emergency comes up, my account gets drained a little.

If I am supposed to be in Santiago by September I am going to need a huge influx of money fairly soon. I just don't know what to do. I have the faith that HF will help me, but I wonder when I am going to help myself...

I know with all this whining you are probably thinking: Oh just shut up you are more blessed than you think. I know I am thinking that, but I just forget sometimes... So on that note I would like to share a few GOOD THINGS that have happened during this time frame.

Writing: I know I forget the good ideas that I have, but at least my imagination is still working and it gives me hope that maybe I will remember them when the time is right.

Apartment: Because I didn't live in the apartment for one whole month I was told I didn't have to pay that month's rent. AND with that money I was able to pay off my car loan last year, which was my New Year's resolution. I was so happy to reach that goal that I cried tears of joy.

Money: Along with the paying off of the car, I have been able to put more money in the bank at one time than I ever have in my entire life time. It really isn't all that much but to me it seems like a huge amount, and I am very proud of it.

Yes I did spend a good chunk of my money on new clothes but honestly my wardrobe was seriously lacking. I had been wearing the same things for years and years. With these clothes I was able to move away from the drabness and add a little color and femininity. And with those things I have been able to change my attitude towards myself even more than before. No more hiding in the background for me.

Life in General: I didn't mention it before but my migraines had been getting worse due to a change in the dosage of my medicine. However with my doctor's help we changed the meds completely and not only am I getting fewer migraines but the ones I have gotten have been less severe. I totally count that as a blessing.
Also with my doctor's insistence I have changed my diet. Instead of eating out every meal, I am now cooking for myself. I am not loosing weight, but that wasn't the point, the point was to start taking care of myself. Occasionally I will still eat out but my choices are different than they used to be. So in my opinion: major blessing.